sometimes i read something or see a picture or watch a movie
and i want to cry
and sometimes it’s from laughing
that kind is always nice and laughter is crazy and everyone laughs differently at different things, but when we all laugh at the same thing somehow it brings us together in a new way
last night we were watching the matrix and this person was over who i haven’t ever laughed with really, but sometimes during the movie we would laugh at the same thing & it was nice
and sometimes i want to cry because there is something so profound that its beauty cannot really be felt in my heart without tears coming to my eyes
and this might be my favorite kind of crying, although i tend to restrain it more than i should
maybe because most people are a little bit afraid of tears
and they think when you cry that something must be wrong, but sometimes i cry when things are right
and then there’s the crying that overwhelms you
it comes from so deep within that it doesn’t listen to your mind when you try to stop it
if you suppress it, you’re fine for awhile but then you end up sitting on the rug on your bedroom floor clutching your pillow, rocking back and forth letting the tears stream down your face without wasting time wiping them away because you know it would be useless
you forget to wash the mascara off your cheeks and it takes awhile for your eyes to look normal again
but they always do look normal again
and you can cry laugh again
and you can pretty cry again
but it only takes a song, a person, a look, a memory, a quote, a wind to remind you how fragile your composure is
and you sit and you think and if someone happens to hold your hand, or touch your arm, or kiss your forehead at this point you break all over again
and it’s beautiful
these emotions
this thing about life that beaks us and heals us and shapes us  

auniversewithmeaning:

“I cannot choose but
weep because my tears are the
only prayer I know.”
-Heidi McElrath

this quarter is going to challenge me in crazy ways
academically, i am taking the hardest course that exists for my major
emotionally, i’ve already cried more in the past twenty-four hours than i did total last quarter
relationally, i will have to be much more intentional because i’m busy, my friends are busy, and life is crazy
spiritually, i will have to cling to the promises of Jesus and the hope he offers because life is hard, people are broken, and i know i’m going to continue learning about and being exposed to injustice & oppression in many forms
it’s going to be hard and my heart will break again & again
but my God is a god who heals
He makes things new
and it’s comforting to have someone who is stronger than the darkness to stand beside 

i miss priming.
& making designs in the plaster on the walls.
& telling you to paint the ceilings because you were tall, but really i wanted you to work harder & i didn’t want to paint the ceilings myself.
i miss screaming at a spider while php was happening right outside our window.
& seeing spongebob in russian every morning.
& saying “priviet pizza” & “puhka pizza”.
i miss trying to understand what you were saying.
& when you invited us to the mountains with you.
& you bought us magnets.
& we hiked more than we expected.
& you told us how you had almost gotten stuck there at night on your honeymoon.
i miss eating watermelon on the back patio.
& throwing the soccer ball off the ledge.
& tima saying “hello”.
& lera watching us brush our teeth every morning and giggling.
i miss always getting to the younglife club late because people would forget to come get us or puza was late.
& grocery shopping that first or second day.
& then again the last day in a mad scramble for juice to bring home.
why did the juice there taste better?
i miss medina saying “whatsup baby”
& vanya being nice
& puza being crazy
& jos being funny
& valik correcting our russian.
i miss sitting around in the park after dinner.
& especially when they’d buy us ice cream.
& eating pizza every other night.
i miss taping off the windows.
& making a quilt of magazine pages. 
& getting paint and primer in my hair.
i miss hearing bits & pieces of people’s lives.
& seeing God’s grace at work.
i miss the farewell/thank you party you all threw us.
& watching your skits.
& singing in english as you sang in russian.
& lighting those lanterns and watching them float away in the dark, ukrainian sky.
i miss saying bye
& you pulling over the van full of people so you could run over and hug us all.
& everyone praying before we got on the bus.
& vitali showing up out of nowhere.
and i miss driving through the night.
& playing mafia.
& bathroom breaks along the side of the highway.
& living life for two weeks in a different country with beautiful people and looking back now seeing in bigger ways how God is working and how He loves.  

this weekend has been one of those ones where i’m full of emotion
i’m breaking down
i’m having difficult conversations with people
being called out on stuff by people i wish knew how much i loved them
experiencing the brokenness of society firsthand
and in a threatening situation
my heart breaking for the person who everyone else was turned against
the person who everyone else was afraid of
the person who everyone else called the police about
the person who everyone else blamed
the person who everyone else wanted to leave
the person who everyone else judged based on a stereotype
and maybe i’m stereotyping too, by referring to the group as everyone else
and that breaks me, too
it breaks me that no one else there felt the way i did
the way i do
they don’t get it
they probably don’t see anything wrong in the way they acted and reacted
they probably think they were justified
they probably think they did the right thing
and most people would probably agree with them
but it breaks my heart
this injustice that we live in
the injustice that we encourage
by our action or our lack of action
and i wonder how Jesus would have treated this man
i feel like he would have invited him closer to our bonfire
i feel like he would have joined in with his song
he would have snapped along and offered him a marshmallow, some chocolate, some coffee
i feel like he would have introduced himself
shaken his hand
called him by name
listened to his stories, no matter how far-fetched or abrasive they became
i feel like Jesus would have smiled at him
asked him questions
listened
laughed
looked deeply into his eyes
offered him wholeness
or at least a hug goodbye
why did we do so much less
how did it become what it did
it didn’t have to be a situation where someone’s life was threatened
it didn’t have to be something where racist things were said
it didn’t have to take a turn for the worst by disrespecting him in the first place
it didn’t have to become a power struggle
a fight for dignity, for a sense of feeling human and the right to be treated as such
it just makes me wonder
would they have backed away if Jesus had been the man coming to our fire
would they have seen his dirty clothing, his unkept hair and treated him as coldly 
because people backed away before he had even spoken
they backed away because he was a stranger
and different
and made them uncomfortable
and i just wonder about it
about how Jesus calls us to love
and seek justice
and reconcile people of all backgrounds
and we did the opposite. 
and it breaks me.

i was so encouraged by our conversation yesterday
especially talking about God and our summers
i asked you what the biggest thing you learned about God/life/people was this summer
and you said “oh wow” and took some time to think about it
you finally looked at me and said that there were two things
first, that no matter what you’re going through
or how much you don’t think or feel that God is with you, He is
and He’s not just there walking alongside you
He’s carrying you
and the second thing was to look out for false teachers of any kind
but the thing that stood out to me
and that made me tear up a little bit
was the image of God carrying us through the hardest parts of life
and even when we don’t see him, feel him, or think he’s there
he is
he’s faithful
he cares
and he wants what is best for us
i’m grateful