“could we with ink the ocean fill,
and were the skies of parchment made;
were every stalk on earth a quill,
and every man a scribe by trade;
to write the love of God above
would drain the ocean dry;
nor could the scroll contain the whole,
though stretched from sky to sky.”
-the love of God

sometimes words are so pretty they make you feel connected to everything good in the world
and sometimes words leave you in disbelief staring at the edge of the porch as you try to comprehend what they mean
and sometimes words make you so angry or hurt or disappointed that you can’t even cry about it
but no matter what words move you
and sometimes you get a glimpse of how they bring both death and life
and i wonder about that
about that power and how i use it every single day

i think God works in my life through themed seasons
or each year there’s a new aspect of life that is being challenged
and i learn more from various people and experiences
and grow predominately in ways related to that thing, whatever it may be
last year was overwhelmed by gender
gender roles, expectations, separate spheres
gender in the church, complementarianism, egalitarianism
sexuality and socialization
the oppression and marginalization of women
media portrayals, advertisement
objectification, sexualization, dehumanization
violence against women, sex slavery
ideals and images that don’t reflect reality
how is God working
what is God’s desire for leadership and partnership and love
women’s studies and mars hill 
sociology of gender and mark driscoll
one of my closest friends telling me he’s gay
conflicted beliefs and seeking for truth
a loss of black and white thinking, a frustration with the gray
so much doubt 
so much wrestling and struggle and pain
but also so much learning and growing and seeing
so much hope
so much restoration and reminders of God’s faithfulness
God pulling me back to the year before
to struggles of loving well
to trust in God’s timing that i couldn’t understand
to engage in challenging friendships 
to be encouraged by his grace, so abundant
so clear if i could only remember to look back at the living, breathing example of a friend
the grace of God, the faithfulness of God, sitting across from me
the first year, in the hallway, praying and sharing and messing up and learning
the second year, on those couches, listening and challenging, growing
the third year, sitting on your floor, crying and arguing and encouraging
the fourth year, this year, as i sat on the phone with you, loving and trusting and strengthening
it shouldn’t be
this grace i experience so profoundly through you
and it brings me back to this year
challenging in different ways
sometimes i think in more heart-wrenching ways
and sometimes i think in simpler ways than the year before
but there are decisions to make now that i never thought i’d have the burden of choosing
decisions that will impact the rest of my life
decisions i can’t change once made
decisions i feel inadequate, too young, to decide
decisions that require trust in a plan so much larger than any i thought of or hoped for myself
and it’s a struggle
even as i’ve seen God work in beautiful ways through dark, dark days
even as i’ve known God’s faithfulness
i struggle to trust, to surrender
and it plays out in the smaller decisions, too
the ones that seem so significant right now, and are
but are also a small piece of my life
it matters, it hurts, but it isn’t all
and it’s humbling and i’m learning to be grateful
to grow into who i really am
to trust that God is working
that He renews and restores 
and reconciliation takes time and can’t be forced
so i trust in him
and i trust in his provision, his strength
not just in the smaller, but also in the larger
and i know that if he can bring healing and hope out of the mess of last year, out of the dust, out of the darkness and brokenness and struggle and helplessness and death
then he can bring healing and hope out of this mess of rejection and anger, out of suffering and hurt, out of the ashes, out of places of fear and uncertainty and cloudiness and an inability to comprehend how my decision in a specific area will impact me forever, and not just me but my family and any future family i ever hope to have
and i know that God is good
and through each year, each theme, there is a consistant thread of grace
and God’s character is unchanging 
and his faithfulness and love is empowering
he brings transformation and healing
he is united with us in our suffering, he identifies with us and draws us near
so breathe deeply and trust in my strength, he tells me
so i will
i will because he empowers
and i’m no longer weak
death and life-denying forces no longer have power over me
he brings hope and new life and joy
and i will live in that

a haiku about breaking up

wearethedust:

i kissed you goodnight
not yet realizing it was
our last kiss goodbye

tomorrow it will have been one year
one year filled with hardships i never expected
one year filled with doubt and struggle
one year filled with longing for answers but not understanding my questions
one year filled with anger and searching for reconciliation
tomorrow it will have been one year
one year since i had to keep this secret
one year since i wondered how to love you better
one year since i cried and cried and didn’t have any words
tomorrow it will have been one year
one year of growth
one year of breaking and being healed
one year of seeking and being found
one year of asking and finding hope
one year of losing and letting go
one year of realizing that it’s going to be okay
tomorrow it will have been one year
and i don’t think i’ve ever loved you more
 

“O holy night, the stars are brightly shining
it is the night of our dear Savior’s birth
long lay the world in sin and error pining
til He appeared and the soul felt its worth
a thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn
fall on your knees
o hear  the angel voices
o night divine
o night when Christ was born
o night divine
o night, o night divine
truly He taught us to love one another
His law is love and His gospel is peace
chains He shall break for the slave is our brother
and in His name all oppression shall cease
sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we
let all within us praise His holy name
Christ is the Lord
then ever, ever praise we
noel, noel
o night, o night divine
noel, noel
o night, o night divine
noel, noel
o night, o holy night”