i don’t need you
even when i couldn’t imagine my life here without you in it
i didn’t actually need you
i just wanted you
wanted your friendship and your hugs and just your presence
sometimes i wanted more, to be honest
but sometimes i wanted less
and there were times, i think, when i fooled myself into thinking that i did need you
but i didn’t
and i don’t
and you don’t need me
and that’s the beautiful thing about life
none of us actually needs each other
i mean, we need community to live our lives the way we were meant to
and we long for that community
but God can use anyone he wants to in your life
it doesn’t have to be me
and i’m so grateful he has used me in the past
but i’m realizing that the point is not me being used
it is God
it is God using and teaching and loving and sharing
and the beautiful reality is that you don’t need me
and i don’t need you
but when we both want each other, when we both want to share life together, when we both want to hear how the other is doing and spend time together listening to funny stories or struggles or the joy and pain experienced when God is transforming our hearts and minds and lives…
that is when God’s love is felt the most
because we don’t need each other
but we want each other
we make a choice to be intentional and follow through
and no matter how long it’s been, we know that the other one cares
and i want to hear about your life
but you also want to tell me about it
and that’s the beautiful thing about friendship,
it comes from both sides
but the hard thing is that it’s so hard to come by
and people are selfish
and i am selfish
and people forget to share their lives with each other
and people forget to follow through
and even though i want that friendship with you,
you have to want it, too
and i’m reaching the conclusion, by your lack of follow through, that we won’t be those kinds of friends
and it’s hard because i want to be
but God’s taught me before and is teaching me again that the things i think i want may not be the best for me
and i don’t need you
God will use you as he wills and he’ll use me, too
but maybe not in your life anymore
and i’d rather follow his will than my own
and if i am confused about everything else in my life 
i will be okay because i know that God is faithful and he loves me and he loves you